Today I celebrated 1,000 days of sobriety. And yet it seems just like another day, which means I am getting used to living this way. My sobriety has taught me a few things over the last 1,000 days. Here are a few:
1. Start before you are ready.
I picked a date. An arbitrary date. I had to because there is always something – a birthday, a wedding, brunch weekend . . . the list went on an on. I didn’t have a plan. I wasn’t sure how I was going to do it, or how long I was going to do it for – I just knew I wanted to understand my relationship to alcohol. So, I picked a date. If you wait until you are ready to do the thing, it won’t happen. And you will be a month, a year, five years down the road still trying to find the right time or know when you will be ready. It may suck. You may fail. Or it may be glorious, illuminating, exactly what you wanted or needed. You won’t know if you don’t start.
2. Intentionality > Numbing
There are lots of numbing mechanisms – Netflix binges, endless social scrolling, food, drugs (remember, alcohol is a drug). However, when you numb the pain, you also numb the joy. Alcohol is at every celebration, every “drown our sorrows” event. It is the way we wind down from the day and “enjoy” our time together. When I stopped drinking, I had to learn to sit with big emotions. I had to figure out what actual unadulterated joy felt like – to see my way through by learning to be gentle and really ask “am I making this choice intentionally or am I trying to escape?” or “how do I want to remember about how I felt?” Sometimes the answer stayed the same – I would want to eat the whole bag of chips or binge 10 hours of Succession. The difference is when you actively choose something, you get to decide. When you do, when you know you can choose, you begin trusting yourself. And you can create a life you don’t want to escape from.
3. What other people think of you is none of your business.
A weird thing happens when you stop drinking, doing the thing that has been accepted as the norm. “Can I get you a beer?” turns into an interrogation when you say no. This actually happens in many areas of life. “Why are you . . . ?” or “Why aren’t you . . . ?” Funny thing, you actually don’t owe anyone an explanation for your decisions, namely decisions that don’t affect other people. You get to decide who you want to let in, how much you want to share or not. And when you don’t, no is a complete sentence. Now, you don’t have to be brusque. “No thank you” or “It’s ok but I’m going to pass” or simply “I just do/don’t.” You don’t need to justify choices that are right for you. Often we do overexplain ourselves. We want people to think kindly of us, understand our decisions. Control what they think of us. What other people think of you is not your business. What is your business is what you think of yourself and your decisions.
4. People will surprise you if you let them.
In November of 2019, two girlfriends I adore, who live on the other side of the continent, and I wanted to meet halfway for a vacation. Oklahoma City just happened to be that halfway. I wanted to see them so badly, but I admit I was nervous about what we would do. Mostly I was worried I wouldn’t be any “fun” or that I would hamper their fun. And early in sobriety is tenuous. I didn’t know if I really wanted sobriety, what it looked like for me or how I completely felt about it. I just knew I was doing it. After the first day, in our hotel room, I remember saying “I might have a drink on this trip.” Both of them knew about my choice to not drink, why it was important to me. I’ll never forget what my friend said to me. “Let’s see what happens. If you choose to, that’s ok. If you choose not to, that’s ok too.” It seemed so simple, so small. Heck, she might not even remember saying it. How many times have you made up stories in your head about how people might react to something – so you stay quiet or small? Or you do the thing you really don’t want to do because you are afraid things will change? They may change. Heck, they will because everything does. But when you don’t allow people the chance to love you, to surprise you – that is a tragedy. Not allowing people to love you fully deprives not only you as the receiver, but them as the giver. You have to give them the chance to surprise you.
5. You can’t be attached to the outcome.
I didn’t decide to be sober for 1,000 days. I just wondered what my relationship with alcohol was – and what I was getting from it. I wanted an answer to that question. I also wanted to be open to whatever came along the way. I knew if I had an outcome of “I will never drink again” I would be setting myself up for failure or shame if I did fail. Ever notice when you are attached to an outcome – getting a job or moving to a new place or finding “the one” - that you are inevitably disappointed if/when it doesn’t happen? What opportunities did you miss along the way? What were you not emotionally available for because it was only about the outcome as you envisioned it? When you allow yourself to move in a direction, be open to possibility and detach from the outcome, you may notice unexpected, extraordinary things. Things that may be better than the outcome you imagined.
I’m sure there is more. But this is enough for now.